Category Archives: Company

May 16 2012

Interview with an Idiot

Reasons Not to Be an Idiot

There comes a time in every managers tenure, that one must consider the questions and procedures of an interview must change. With a plethora of pondering and possibilities of skills that one possesses, why does it seem to fit to still ask those dreaded redundant questions of old? These are the questions not of which focus on what the achievements and accomplishments of the interviewed or the possibilities of future such instances but the questions that have the highest potential to be a look into an imaginary world of self-assurance and ass kissing.

With the deep sedated pool of available talent looking for employment, one desires to find the best individual for the position. Therefore it is only logical to ask questions that will isolate the distinct individual just right for the job. These questions are micro specific and focuses on the field and position, not questions of the macro general field of desires, aspirations and dreams.

I am bringing this up because in the second round of interviews for a position at my company, our idiotic and lazy (to say the least) Finance Director must have not had enough energy to think of logical questions to ask and instead scour the internet for the top 10 basic interview questions and decided that was good enough. God forbid he actually for once uses his own words to ask or explain anything. His questions were the exact questions you would hear in an interview for a fast-food chain or basic job.

The following will show the questions asked with a proud grin and the answers I would have loved to hear:

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

A: I see myself alive and wondering why you were even invited to this interview.

Q: Why are you looking for a new place to work? (no joke, it was actually asked this way)

A: Because it was too boring. When I get bored with something I move on to something more exciting.

Q: What are your greatest strengths?

A: Putting up with redundant and useless questions. Oh and I can bench 325.

Q: What are you weaknesses?

A: My traveling joint pain, which causes me to take time off to work without notice.

Q: What is your work ethic like, you know in terms of working? (again not a joke, actually per datum)

A: Well I like to wake up around 8 or 9 and eventually make it into work, then I require at least a 45 minute nap either before or after lunch and I do not like working over time. Also I will not do anything outside the scope of my job description.

Q: In your mind why should we hire you? (seriously? I didn’t expect the interviewed to answer that question with someone elses thoughts)

A: Because you need someone to fill the position and I want a posh secure job that doesn’t require a lot of effort.

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May 1 2012

Interview with a mute – Laugh of the Day

Cairds Interview Lazarus

Imagine arriving at your potential new employer, rehearsed and thinking positive. You sit down in front of a panel of three; An older gentleman in a 3 piece suit, binder and note taking utilities in hand, a younger gentleman dressed very casual looking like he was dragged in just for the hell of it with a goofy grin on his face and a shaved bald gentleman, intimidating and rugged looking like a bouncer asked to sit in to keep the peace. Your palms sweat and your lungs fluctuate intensely filling with air and collapsing on each breath. You take one last deep breath when the older gentleman opens his mouth and says “Let’s begin.”

Your resume is reviewed and obviously already answered questions are asked that you easily spew the answers from your mind out through your mouth. An introduction about what the company is and who we are is dribbled out to you slowly and painfully boring, yet you listen eagerly waiting for the juicy meat and potatoes of the interview to kick in. Finally, a question that you have to put some serious thought and intellect into answering. After the sentences have formed and you are glowing with confidence, the words come out. While your answers are impressing the panel, the older gentleman across from you interrupts and begins to reminisce about the olden days, continuing on for what seems like a short novel. Each question that is asked and for each answer that you have prepared, you begin to notice that the interview is beginning to focus not on you but instead hones in on the elder gentleman’s past experiences.

The beads of sweat on your forehead have evaporated and have turned into salty white trails and the clams that once laid nervously in your palms have shut tight and buried themselves deep away under your skin. As the lone story-teller in the interview asks you if there are any questions and as you ask your logical question the story continues with an enigmatic answer to your question. Wait what was that? A joke or actually a crass realization of intelligence of progress slithers from the intimidating bald gent and as laughter fills the room your body releases its tight grip of stress and you slouch in relief, as you now realize that even though your answers were muted and hidden behind a repetitive story, they were still heard by the other audiences in the room. As you all rise to commemorate the end of this long journey down memory lane, you are relaxed and confidently stroll out of the building thinking to yourself… “During an interview sometimes it is not what you say that gets you the job, it is the muting of your ideologies and own experiences conversely the opening of your mind to what story is being relayed that does the trick.”

Good luck Mr. Irons, you did very well and it was a pleasure intimidating you today.

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Feb 22 2012

UC system are crooks – Stresser of the Day

Mark Yudof, president of the University of Cal...

Insensitive Ruler

So I just got word today that the UC system is changing all non-exempt employees to bi-weekly pay periods. This means a few things. First of it puts me right back into the deep stress that I worked hard to get out of. Second it means that measly pathetic 3% increase means absolutely shit and Third it means I will have at least $400 less per month to live off of. Not that UC President Mark G. Yudof gives a rat ass, he is making his millions along with the 6 useless deans and lawyers that just got an average of %15 raises; all in the name of keeping the “high quality staff” on board.

Hey Mr. Yudof, how about the true high quality staff that actually makes the UC system work on the day-to-day basis. If the UC system is receiving and going to receive less monetary backing from the state why on earth are you giving high staff positions (which are not necessary) massive raises? the UC system cannot afford it. Now we know why this state is so fucked up and going down the toilet. That is because we have incompetent and insensitive people in power and running things who have no idea what they are doing. In my field we are getting paid at minimum $30,000 less than the median salary in the Los Angeles county in the IT field. President Yudof, do you really think a 3% raise is going to keep your staff from leaving? If you think that is true, then you are as blind and foolish as the snobby UC Regents are.

On top of all that the UC system now wants to ban smoking on all of its campuses, real smart, you will have under paid, over stressed employees with no way to release that stress on a daily basis; for those that smoke. I sense alot of jumping ship happening soon, lucky this is the US Postal service, we all know how crazy those individuals are.

Funny thing is though, technically the location I work within the UC system, we do not even get paid by the state of California, we get paid by the federal government. When asking for a raise or re-class from the over-paid, severely under worked superiors, it’s always the same, oh we can’t afford it. BULLSHIT you can’t afford it. You don’t need those 6 figure salaries, why do you think you deserve those types of salaries. Just because you have a PhD, big deal, it’s a piece of paper. You do not know how to run a business, let alone care about your employees.

So I am giving my employer a choice, either give me a raise, re-classify my position or I am quitting. I wont be able to afford to go into work everyday, with a minimum of $400 less per month out of my living expenses. They say they want to keep high-quality staff on board, well they are going to lose one if they don’t do something soon. And yes I consider myself a high-quality staff member, because no one in my department knows how to do what I do.

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Feb 6 2012

The Don of Anti-Mafia’s – Laugh of the Day

Mafia Sign - Paris France

So there I was heading out of my office to get some refreshing ice-cold water, when I see two young adults standing at my colleagues door. To what do my curious ears hear, they informing him that at our place of employment, the young IT programmers are trying to start a union (better term is mafia) and was wondering if he wanted to sign a petition and get information in regards to what the mafia has to offer. As I strolled past I let out a loud, “Oh Hell No!!!, imagine referring to your union as P.U. for Programmers Union, it will work just as bad as it sounds.”

Leisurely strolling back around the corner, still laughing at the thought of the P.U., I see these two yahoo mafia inductees standing in my door. The look on their face was priceless; A stern, proud, and aggressive demeanor but their eyes showing fear, they begin opening their sewage holes about joining the P.U.. Their failed attempt of looking tought, was met with my bald-headed thug glare to their nervous eyes, and I promptly said “Don’t even think about talking to me about a union, they are a corrupt group of mafia impersonators only wanting to take advantage of people, promote laziness, corrupt the government and are a waste of time.” I sat down and they stepped forward continuing to spew union garbage. I stood up, walked towards them and as soon as they passed through the doorway to my programming sanctuary, I kicked the doorstop away and slammed the door in their ignorant faces. After, I heard a loud laugh coming from behind me, through my colleagues wall. And I hear faintly, “Only you can get away with that kind of stuff!! Nice job!”

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Jan 25 2012

Incompetent hiring causes lost revenue – Irony of the Day

Brandywine Hundred Fire Company, Delaware - Fa...

Image by Timothy Wildey via Flickr

Once again, the company has proven that employing competent and qualified individuals is not their forte. As those in charge of this company, sit in their offices conducting unproductive banter, there I sat in my office chair, staring in  bewildered astonishment, reaching for invisible hair on my head that was once there. They laugh and ponder their next accomplishment to steal more money from the government, as my mind stirs at the notion that a rudimentary mistake by the individual that I replaced, may have caused the company to lose tens of thousands of dollars over the course of 10 years.

Astonishing at that may sound, the higher-ups actually believe that this rookie developer (Craig is his name) had the skills and management ability to set up and run their databases and business solutions. In actuality, this lame duck of an individual, couldn’t program his VCR if he had the opportunity. They speak of him as someone who helped the company and are still proud that he did what he did. As chance has it, they would not be too proud if they realized that a simple and should logically be realized skill could have the potential of past loses of the tens of thousands of revenue. This is one of the reason I chuckle every time I hear one of these moronic boobs Continue reading →