Secede to written redemption

The past was riddled with failure of parenthood. Nonhearted reconciliation promises made to others were genuine falicies, meant for nothing and meant to simply appease those that ultimately wish that family forgive and move on.

Attempts made have fallen amid pathetic excuses, pathetic guises of sincerety. Once crazy was the mind, but will not fall into the realm of insanity. Repeating attempts has been deemed futile and worthless. There is no point to continue a wasteful cycle of asking and attempting.  Almost like a begging dog, it became pathetic on its own part to consider continuing.

Apologies therefore will not be spoken with lips, but with written notes. These notes will be handed to another to give to the others. A heartfealt, true apology and a forever goodbye contained within these written words. A heartfealt, true gratefulness and reward contained within other written words for others.

Secede to Solitude

As I sit here, late in the High Desert quiet dark cool evening, the future is pondered. Losing one family member Friday afternoon and another in the emergency room… yet again, these two family members both have spouses, family and friends that love them and provided a safe place within personal space to feel comforted and secure. Reveling in the Forty-four years; Kinship, friendships and relationships came and went, basically all were bad.

The kinship was for the most part the fault of this singular body. Efforts of parenthood was a pure failure. Efforts with extended family just never seemed to gel.

Friendships, after turbulent times came to abrupt ends, and no efforts to find new bonds ensued. Quite simply put, there is no conscience reasons to have any friends.

Relationships, well those are pure enjoyment. All have failed for some reason or another, and the opposite gender was always to cheat and/or leave. I guess those two kind of go hand-in-hand.

That last one, it is a continuous struggle. It has been concluded that there is no hope in finding love again. Attempts have been made, but it has become obvious that this individual is not appealing to the opposite sex. Although there are those that desire to become acquainted, but there is lacking of certain criteria that turns the head away; No vehicle, job or still living with parents is definitely not appealing, as well, having a litter of children is not something that is desired either.

With all of this culminating background and with the instances of my two family members, there still is a desire to be in solitude. The white flag has been raised high on its mast and is flying proudly and a little sadly in the High Desert winds.

The Synthetic Seven penultimate stresser

Tonight is not the night to be poetic and imaginative, it is a night to be blunt and be myself. Well would you look at that… The author has actual referred to himself for once.

We all have stresses in our lives, covering the seven entities of our outward beings. I call these the “Synthetic Seven.” These entities include social, family, friendship, work, love, home and the most difficult, internal self. All of these entities have affected each and every one of us negatively one time or another of our lives, whether it be a minute amount or the weight of the world resting upon us. Thus, causing stresses, depression and/or anxiety for ourselves.

My plan is to not discuss each of these with you, my endearing audience, I might glance over a few just to give you a little more insight into your beloved author, but there is a point to this writing and I will eventually get to it. Hopefully, sooner than later as to not bore you much.

The Social Synthetic, the synthetic that involves each and every one of us in social surroundings. Whether it be in a group setting of any size, out and about window-shopping or simply walking down the sidewalk, there are variables that bombard us on a daily basis that test our social interactions. To say the least, socially I am simply awkward. To be straight and honest with you, I am. Shyness, introverted and sometimes reclusive is in my nature. This synthetic will always caused stress, of varying levels, whether it be in a small, medium or large group, even with colleagues and family gatherings.  Anxiety and attacks are never too far away when in these settings. As you can tell, the Social Synthetic resonates from some of other synthetics.

The Work Synthetic, the synthetic that involves our work environments and our personal careers and development. Well as you have read in previous posts this is just plain obvious. However, I do absolutely love my career and place of employment and would never want to change it. Well, unless I won the lottery then I am out!

The Love Synthetic, to say I am jaded is being nice. My love life has basically sucked. Let us put it this way, I have never been the breaker-upper. I have been cheated on multiple times, and have always been the one dumped. So, let us move on because this can be its own post later.

The synthetic that is affecting me right now, it is the one that we all should hold very close and dear to ourselves, The Family Synthetic. For myself, my immediate family is everything. My parents are my confidants, the ones I can spew vulgar and insane thoughts, cry my heart out, basically I can scream, complain, yell, jump up and down, it is all fair game with them. I know I have stressed them out on numerous occasions, had them worry, angry and even feel sorry for me.

I love both of my parents with all of my heart, body and soul. I would die for them, care for them, protect them, basically I would sell my soul to the devil to ensure they are healthy and great. With that being said, this is focused on my father for now. One of the grandeur stresses of the Family Synthetic is when someone is ailing. To know that someone who is considered your best-friend (actually one of my only male friends and by far my true one and only best friend), someone you have looked up to your entire life, a man who portrays strength, wisdom, integrity and the living example of pure unfaltering kindness is suddenly stricken weak. Feeling physically bound at the wrists when one of your parents is weak, is mind-numbing exasperating. Well not exactly stressful, but more or less worrisome, which definitely resonates into stress.

Within the Family Synthetic, and with those that cherish others in their family circle, the fights, arguments, opinions and faults can easily be waded through. Those physical pollutions are the Family Synthetic stresses that can be resolved, reconciled through constructive criticism, discussions, interventions and simply talking with one another. The penultimate element of this synthetic is ailments, the variables that are not entirely controllable. To those of us who are extremely close to our parents, this is the time when our Family Synthetic completely breaks down. When those ailments include hospitalization and life-threatening instances, it feels like a mechanic mixed paint thinner into the oil of a vehicle and you begin to feel the knocking and pinging and the breakdown of your entire engine.

For the past two weeks, my Family Synthetic has broken down.  I have dealt with stress for most of my adult life, as I have aged I have been able to learn how to notice stress and depression arising and deal with those stresses and coping with and neutralizing the depression. However, nothing compares to the complete break down of my stress system due to an extreme life-threatening hospitalization of one of my parents. It is hard, extremely hard to handle the stress that comes with seeing one of your parents in dire-straights and not being able to help whatsoever. I shut down, it was hard and still is for me to attempt at socialization. Talking remotely to family and a few friends made me comfortable. However, being holed up in my comfort zone, my house was where I felt the most peace.

Our Synthetic Seven raise and lower our stresses. Our parents, to those of us that hold close bonds with them, continue to hold them close to our hearts. Although the ultimate stress inevitably comes to the forefront, we are going to hit a stressful deep time in our lives. The love, laughs, good and hard times and the memories we shared with them, will always live on within our hearts…. The Family Synthetic stress will subside, but it will be a struggle. Ultimately, it will test our skill of handling the deepest stresses and we will be stronger from it.

Give your mother, father and step parents (if you have them) deep hugs and show them how precious they are to you and always, show them the love you have for them.

Fossil ears appropriating grouchy

Tempered glass rolled down, rubber laid on the asphalt cruising around exposing others to the nerve burning thumps of bass, the high pitches of tweeters and incomprehensible vocals. Many an aures of homines become perturbed by this invasion of physical pollution.

T’was one aspect when it is being spewed by the blossoming youth, tis another when the proverbial smack across the face comes striking fast and firm, when it is the self that is bothered by the blaring of decibels of their own music. To aquire irritation and scold at the self to lower reverberations is when the realization kicks in that age is creeping by quite rapidly.

Required standardized chaos, Participation optional

The befuddled banner banter may confuse the mind, however the comprehension of the target of why this is uttered will bring forth a luminous understanding and a quick chuckle.

Imagine if you will, the deep pockets to your company along with five of your sister companies, has had it up to the proverbial chin with the constantly inconsistent data they receive from half of your group. The financier’s toady proceeds to gather the heads of the IT departments to inform all, in order to appease the deep pocket gods, a software package to normalize all of the incoming data is required. Over the past half a year, requirements have been presented, removed and altered. Half of the companies are in full agreement with such a normalization software package as well as utilize such. However, the other half, the half that are the culprits to the bad data are opposed to the entire idea.

And on the seventh month, the gods stepped down and noted, all data within the reports are required to be standardized using the forthcoming software, but it is an optional step…

Yes, please scratch the imaginary question mark and try to make sense of the conundrum.

Now, imagine the deep pockets come from none other than the “by the book” Federal Government. Excuse the momentary delay, while the tongue is firmly removed from inside the cheek. Now, do not consider this as a current administration faux pas, as this type of conscience confusion has been in existence well before the unfiltered hyperbole of the current administration took office.

Therefore, in a world where standardization should be the norm, when chaos ensues, optional requirements is not an oxymoron that one wants to hear. Intelligent deep pockets appear to be synonymous to the infamous jumbo shrimp.