Hitting pause on Mr. Replay

Major Facepalm

Major Facepalm

So after three long luxurious weeks of blissful peacefulness and relaxation, It was time to set the 2:15 AM ear piercing squeals of the alarms to ensure a timely wake-up and preparation for the long commute to work. Being a workaholic, one tends to miss the hustle and bustle of a career environment, the chatter of incompetence and progress of persuasive talk from intellects and the effects ones completed projects have on the company. During the long one hour forty-five minute drive to work (with no traffic) one has time to recollect the years closing and what is expected and planned for the new year as well as all of the familiarities of the office.There was something missing though…

Arriving in the wee early morning hours, with no one else around, work began and timelines projected. The sound of squeaky doors, held shut and steady during the long holiday break, gave indication that colleagues and others were slowly dredging their way into a new year and a new set of hurdles and projects. Swinging the cold door to the office and looking across, the door to a top executive was ajar, yeah it may be early but he is always up for a quick software jab. Laughter and techie talk ensued and came to an end and yet still something was missing…

A quick half flew through the window and in came the immediate supervisor, grunting and conversing to who no one is quite sure still. After the dust and food crumbs settled in his office, a question was asked and an ensuing two hour one sided conversation was had and that is when it hit like a ton of bricks and the feeling of the invisible palm of the hand slapping the forehead with a “Doh!” following. That is what was missing, the conversations with this particular individual and hearing the same thing repeated over and over again. It is like having a vinyl record get stuck on the same groove and go around and around forever until someone bumps the arm to get it moving again. Oh the joys of these conversations, Mental note after he is done repeating, do not ask another question.

Leap frog with the fishes – Laugh of the Day

20130223_174038Spring is a comin’! Oh the joys and jolly’s that come with springtime. The trees are starting to awaken from their winter slumber. The roses beginning to stretch its tiny sprouts sideways, up ways and cross ways. The flowers are starting to stir beneath their protective winter coat of shells. The mosquitoes begin the dance of spring love… Oh no mosquitoes!

The peaceful pond that resides in a small corner of the yard has enjoyed a pest free fall and wet winter. Yet, all that seems forgetful, for now comes the emphatic emergency response to ensure that the scenic spring and pale summer for the residents of and around the pond can enjoy the world without being sucked dry of their hemoglobin. A trip up the mountains, to a hideaway water garden store provided the super pest remover needed along with a side-show of belly rolling laughs. Mosquito’s hate one particular water dweller, and that is the king mosquito hunter himself, the mosquito fish. This store did not simply provide a small stock to choose from but over 15 water gardens to acquire the sleeping super hunters from beneath the depths of the water surface.

Sure one may explore the confines of a local pet depot and tap on the thick plastic glass that provides a barrier between oneself and the water dwellers, but those fish are spoiled and serene in their perfectly tempered water elements and fake air bubbling to the surface. However, for the outside pond enthusiast, one must consider the elements of Mother Nature, the boiling heat, the frigid water chilling cold and the down-pours of clouds crying. Given these circumstances and the fact of living outside during these occurrences, these are the super fish that are desired for the wonderful water landscapes. 20 of such super hunters is what I was after.

The young gentlemen, talk and lanky, grabbed the extended large net and a low rimmed bucket. As he pursued his hunt down the small hill, looking to the immediate left one could see a small wash tub full of these super hunters. With a head scratch and shrug of the shoulders, the eyes peered at the eager young lad performing an act of pure chuckles. Guessing that these fish are speedy little buggers, the talk lanky legs of this gentleman aided in a flight of leaps and bounds over the rocks, around the edges and over the ponds to catch these super fish. After an amusing medium of an hour passed, the smile exuding a grand accomplishment and the deep gasping for air after a deep jungle mission of source, could only produce a burst of laughter from both. No explanation was given nor needed. With transaction receipt in hand and the super hunters on their way to their new home, one could only imagine why can’t all employees perform like that for their customers.

Interview with an Idiot

Reasons Not to Be an Idiot

There comes a time in every managers tenure, that one must consider the questions and procedures of an interview must change. With a plethora of pondering and possibilities of skills that one possesses, why does it seem to fit to still ask those dreaded redundant questions of old? These are the questions not of which focus on what the achievements and accomplishments of the interviewed or the possibilities of future such instances but the questions that have the highest potential to be a look into an imaginary world of self-assurance and ass kissing.

With the deep sedated pool of available talent looking for employment, one desires to find the best individual for the position. Therefore it is only logical to ask questions that will isolate the distinct individual just right for the job. These questions are micro specific and focuses on the field and position, not questions of the macro general field of desires, aspirations and dreams.

I am bringing this up because in the second round of interviews for a position at my company, our idiotic and lazy (to say the least) Finance Director must have not had enough energy to think of logical questions to ask and instead scour the internet for the top 10 basic interview questions and decided that was good enough. God forbid he actually for once uses his own words to ask or explain anything. His questions were the exact questions you would hear in an interview for a fast-food chain or basic job.

The following will show the questions asked with a proud grin and the answers I would have loved to hear:

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

A: I see myself alive and wondering why you were even invited to this interview.

Q: Why are you looking for a new place to work? (no joke, it was actually asked this way)

A: Because it was too boring. When I get bored with something I move on to something more exciting.

Q: What are your greatest strengths?

A: Putting up with redundant and useless questions. Oh and I can bench 325.

Q: What are you weaknesses?

A: My traveling joint pain, which causes me to take time off to work without notice.

Q: What is your work ethic like, you know in terms of working? (again not a joke, actually per datum)

A: Well I like to wake up around 8 or 9 and eventually make it into work, then I require at least a 45 minute nap either before or after lunch and I do not like working over time. Also I will not do anything outside the scope of my job description.

Q: In your mind why should we hire you? (seriously? I didn’t expect the interviewed to answer that question with someone elses thoughts)

A: Because you need someone to fill the position and I want a posh secure job that doesn’t require a lot of effort.

Interview with a mute – Laugh of the Day

Cairds Interview Lazarus

Imagine arriving at your potential new employer, rehearsed and thinking positive. You sit down in front of a panel of three; An older gentleman in a 3 piece suit, binder and note taking utilities in hand, a younger gentleman dressed very casual looking like he was dragged in just for the hell of it with a goofy grin on his face and a shaved bald gentleman, intimidating and rugged looking like a bouncer asked to sit in to keep the peace. Your palms sweat and your lungs fluctuate intensely filling with air and collapsing on each breath. You take one last deep breath when the older gentleman opens his mouth and says “Let’s begin.”

Your resume is reviewed and obviously already answered questions are asked that you easily spew the answers from your mind out through your mouth. An introduction about what the company is and who we are is dribbled out to you slowly and painfully boring, yet you listen eagerly waiting for the juicy meat and potatoes of the interview to kick in. Finally, a question that you have to put some serious thought and intellect into answering. After the sentences have formed and you are glowing with confidence, the words come out. While your answers are impressing the panel, the older gentleman across from you interrupts and begins to reminisce about the olden days, continuing on for what seems like a short novel. Each question that is asked and for each answer that you have prepared, you begin to notice that the interview is beginning to focus not on you but instead hones in on the elder gentleman’s past experiences.

The beads of sweat on your forehead have evaporated and have turned into salty white trails and the clams that once laid nervously in your palms have shut tight and buried themselves deep away under your skin. As the lone story-teller in the interview asks you if there are any questions and as you ask your logical question the story continues with an enigmatic answer to your question. Wait what was that? A joke or actually a crass realization of intelligence of progress slithers from the intimidating bald gent and as laughter fills the room your body releases its tight grip of stress and you slouch in relief, as you now realize that even though your answers were muted and hidden behind a repetitive story, they were still heard by the other audiences in the room. As you all rise to commemorate the end of this long journey down memory lane, you are relaxed and confidently stroll out of the building thinking to yourself… “During an interview sometimes it is not what you say that gets you the job, it is the muting of your ideologies and own experiences conversely the opening of your mind to what story is being relayed that does the trick.”

Good luck Mr. Irons, you did very well and it was a pleasure intimidating you today.

Here’s half the rent – Laugh of the Day

I haz April Foolz lolcats. Intended for use on...

Ok so this may be almost a month gone past but I was just wondering, what is your most memorable April Fools Joke?

Here is mine that almost was:

Starting at the beginning of this year, each month, I re-landscaped a different section of my rented house’s yard. I purchased fist size river rock, flowers and shrubs and other stuff to make it look nice. All-in-All I think the total cost so far for everything has been around $500. Ok wait, let’s rewind a little so I can give you a synopsis of the house I am referring to. The house that I am renting is as 2-bedroom, all hardwood floor single story family home. It has a laundry room, nice size kitchen with a dining area, a huge living room and two good size bedrooms and a full bath, all for the low price of $1000. I am not saying that sarcastically, as single bedroom apartments in my area go for well above $1300 a month. The lady I rent from is wonderful and sweet. Although she cannot find employment and has some serious health problems she usually finds a way to smile and laugh.

Ok back to the fool’s joke. Come April 1st, rent day, I thought to myself “Hmmmm, I am gonna scare my landlord in believing that I am stiffing her on some of this months rent.” Now granted she has had past tenants that have completely skipped out on paying rent and she has had some very horrendous tenants in the past, that’s why I have to pay with a money order or cashiers check each month. So what I did was split the rent into two equal cashiers checks. I wrote a note explaining that I am only going to pay half of the rent for the month of April as I am taking the other half away for the landscaping I did. I placed it in the envelope and proceeded to walk up to her door to place it in the mailbox, then my phone rang…

Me: “Hi Devon.”
Callie: “This is Callie Matt, my mom is in the ER.”
Me: “What happened?”
Callie: “You know she hasn’t been feeling well after the cancer scare she had? Well she is having a hard time breathing but looks like she is doin ok.”
Me: “Oh tell her she is in my prayers and I hope she feels better.”
Callie: “I will, were you planning to drop the rent off tonight?”
Me: “Yeah I was just about to drop it off. Want me to wait?”
Callie: “Yeah could you, we should be home tomorrow.”
Me: “Ok, see ya then. Bye.”

As I slowly turned grudgingly slouched to my car, I chuckled at the irony. Upon returning the next day, I explained to my landlord what I was gonna do and as her eyes opened wide, she broke a smile and said, “Thank god you didn’t cause that would have sent me into a coronary.” I gave her the full rent and after hung out for a while to chit-chat. You see, any landlord who treats their tenants great like she does, deserves to be respected in return, the tenants should be happy to make their home look nice in turn making sure that their landlords home is kept up.

Ok so mine was kind of anti-climatic. Now let me hear your Joke for the April fools in your life?