It’s almost over? But… no it can’t be

Desert_backyardThree glorious weeks of exclusive self-absorption and personal relaxation, oh the joys of the holiday season. Each year yours truly is forced to take off 2 weeks for the holidays, at my own expense mind you, and I add a third just for good measure. Prior to hunkering the shop for the closing year and preparing for the onslaught of the next, visions and plans raced through my head of what I had planned at home.

A new home I settled into at the first of the year, a whole acre of beautiful luscious… sand. Alright there is more to the land then just the dreary tan of the gritty earth, but looking out it’s perfect, it’s virgin and it’s just waiting to be molded into a perfect landscape of vegetables and fruits and a picture perfect desert oasis. There is trimming, raking, weeding and theading abound, mulching and dozing the earth for it to be fertility sound, revamping with repairs, replacements, whosits and whatits with thatches and catches… oops sorry was thinking about “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” My home, a place I rent but one day will own, needs some love and care and I had plans to conquer some of those on my glorious break from the stress and conundrum of intellects at work.

Looking back as those quiet days come to a close, as I glance out my back window chugging my hot coffee, damn I haven’t done a single thing. As I shake my head, I realize… this place isn’t going anywhere and neither am I.

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Here’s half the rent – Laugh of the Day

I haz April Foolz lolcats. Intended for use on...

Ok so this may be almost a month gone past but I was just wondering, what is your most memorable April Fools Joke?

Here is mine that almost was:

Starting at the beginning of this year, each month, I re-landscaped a different section of my rented house’s yard. I purchased fist size river rock, flowers and shrubs and other stuff to make it look nice. All-in-All I think the total cost so far for everything has been around $500. Ok wait, let’s rewind a little so I can give you a synopsis of the house I am referring to. The house that I am renting is as 2-bedroom, all hardwood floor single story family home. It has a laundry room, nice size kitchen with a dining area, a huge living room and two good size bedrooms and a full bath, all for the low price of $1000. I am not saying that sarcastically, as single bedroom apartments in my area go for well above $1300 a month. The lady I rent from is wonderful and sweet. Although she cannot find employment and has some serious health problems she usually finds a way to smile and laugh.

Ok back to the fool’s joke. Come April 1st, rent day, I thought to myself “Hmmmm, I am gonna scare my landlord in believing that I am stiffing her on some of this months rent.” Now granted she has had past tenants that have completely skipped out on paying rent and she has had some very horrendous tenants in the past, that’s why I have to pay with a money order or cashiers check each month. So what I did was split the rent into two equal cashiers checks. I wrote a note explaining that I am only going to pay half of the rent for the month of April as I am taking the other half away for the landscaping I did. I placed it in the envelope and proceeded to walk up to her door to place it in the mailbox, then my phone rang…

Me: “Hi Devon.”
Callie: “This is Callie Matt, my mom is in the ER.”
Me: “What happened?”
Callie: “You know she hasn’t been feeling well after the cancer scare she had? Well she is having a hard time breathing but looks like she is doin ok.”
Me: “Oh tell her she is in my prayers and I hope she feels better.”
Callie: “I will, were you planning to drop the rent off tonight?”
Me: “Yeah I was just about to drop it off. Want me to wait?”
Callie: “Yeah could you, we should be home tomorrow.”
Me: “Ok, see ya then. Bye.”

As I slowly turned grudgingly slouched to my car, I chuckled at the irony. Upon returning the next day, I explained to my landlord what I was gonna do and as her eyes opened wide, she broke a smile and said, “Thank god you didn’t cause that would have sent me into a coronary.” I gave her the full rent and after hung out for a while to chit-chat. You see, any landlord who treats their tenants great like she does, deserves to be respected in return, the tenants should be happy to make their home look nice in turn making sure that their landlords home is kept up.

Ok so mine was kind of anti-climatic. Now let me hear your Joke for the April fools in your life?

Same ignorance and stress, Different Year – Stresser of the Day

Cover of "Office Space (Special Edition w...

will be doing a piece on this soon enough

Hi Ho, Hi Hohhh… It’s back to work I go. Well my fellow stressed out followers, after a long 2 weeks of blissful Eden like vacation, it had to happen. The dreadful day of returning to the office for another year of stress and ignorance from high intellectuals who have no sense of common sense.

The day started out with the usual doldrums drive along the 210 to the 10 freeway with the usual “hands-not-so-free” cell phone chats, texters and bong smokers with the occasional old person driving so slow and so close their windshield that their breath can steam the windows. Once I arrive in my office, I open my email to begin reading some absurd and cryptic emails from my bosses. Along with those trash bin headed emails, I notice a ton of emails from would be participants for a few of our events, that for some reason expect people to be available 24 hours a day 7 days a week, no matter how mundane or insignificant their requests are. For instance I received 12 emails from the same individual asking to add something for him to our website, all over the course of 4 days (Mind you an “Auto-Responder” from the webmaster was sent out each time this impatient pest sent an email).

One email stood out especially brutal for me, because it showed the true lack of commitment and dedication this supposed boss had for the company. He instructed my immediate superior and myself to let anyone in, who comes wanting to get into his office, while he was away to “use his books.” Uh excuse me Mr. PhD. Continue reading

New Work Year countdown T minus 18 hours – Laugh of the Day

Cover of "Back to Work: How to Rehabilita...

Well vacation, it’s been a blast.  You provided me with relaxation, a stress free environment and a sense of calm that rests over a dry cold night on a lake.  Even though I did not achieve half of what I wanted to achieve during my two and a half week haitus from my daily grind, I did enjoy those things that were accomplished.

The countdown has started till I have to rise like the early bird and catch the daily worm of traffic back to work. It doesn’t help that I get an up-to-date countdown reminder by my son. Every 10 minutes he comes to me and says… “It’s almost time dad, start getting ready!” I know it will be getting old and I will be turning into a frustrated mass of bubbling matter later this evening. However, I will look back and say to myself that that was one great vacation, and even though I dread to be consumed by the ignorant stresses of work, I am still happy to sit in my office and create wonderful tools for my people.

Bon voyage, farewell oh sweet vacation. Till next time.

Runaway train takes a sudden detour – Stresser of the Day

A man mid-sneeze. Original CDC caption: "...

So as you know my vacation is quickly coming to a sad end. The minutes, hours and days have flown by. Wait, put on the brakes for a minute there. As the brakes screech to an ungodly halt, I hear the faint sounds of coughs, then a sniffle and then the glorious spray of a sneeze explodes from my mouth. As i was just getting ready to put the fond memories of my first scheduled vacation in ages to rest and enjoy the last few remaining days away from my prison on the west coast, I come down with something called the cold flu.

It’s a double whammy for me, Im stuffed up, sneezing and coughing and worse of all my joints and muscles ache so moving is not really an option. My plans to celebrate the incoming New Year with my fiance and ultimately celebrating the birth of my beautiful loving fiance on the first of the year may be headed out the cold drafty window. It’s funny how you plan on going out with a bang and instead you go out with a cough and sneeze. What a disgruntled way to end the year